5 Myths Which Could Hurt Your Marriage

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5 Myths Which Could Hurt Your Marriage
By Nancy Wasson ©

Many people have grown up with misconceptions of what it takes to make a marriage work. The following five incorrect beliefs can damage your marriage.

Myth 1: Your spouse should automatically know what you need and want.

This is a prevalent myth among many spouses who believe that if a partner really loves them, the partner should instinctively and intuitively know what their needs and wants are. And, of course, that the partner should take immediate action to satisfy them. Hurt feelings and anger accumulates when the partner doesn't figure out without being told what is expected of him (of her).

The following series of boxes give examples of myths in a marriage:

Traci was really tired when she finally got home late from a long day in the office. She was looking forward to spending some time with her husband Alex to get some sympathy, cuddling, and nurturing-and perhaps a back rub or a foot massage too. Alex, on the other hand, was clueless about Traci's expectations and after greeting her, went back to watching a football game on TV.

Alex didn't realize there was a problem. He thought that he was being helpful by giving Traci time and space to wind down after a long day. Traci found herself fuming as the rest of the evening progressed but she didn't say anything because she didn't want Alex to spend time with her if he didn't really want to. In her mind, whatever efforts he might make to nurture her wouldn't count if he didn't think of it himself.
Healthier Approach: Share your needs and wants directly with your spouse. Don't make her (or him) second guess you or try to read your mind. Practice speaking up and saying "I've had a grueling day and really need a back rub. Could you give me one?"

Myth 2: If your spouse would change his (or her) behavior, you'd be happy and you could have a happy marriage.

This premise of this myth is that a spouse has to change before the partner can be happy and enjoy a happy marriage. It sounds simple enough. When the other person gets it together to become healthier and to change, then the marriage will improve by leaps and bounds.

In the meantime, the partner can only wait and hope that one day the spouse will "see the light." This, of course, puts the partner in the role of helpless victim whose very happiness depends on what the spouse decides to do. His (or her) present and future happiness is in the hands of the spouse.

Buying into this myth lets the partner off the hot seat so that he (or she) doesn't have to actually do anything except blame the spouse and wait to see if she changes. It's a passive role that lets the partner sit back and avoid the challenge of working on himself (or herself).

Alex was getting irritated with Traci coming home late every evening from work. She said that she had to get a big project done, but Alex couldn't help thinking that she could leave earlier if she really wanted to.

They used to meet at the gym after work to work out together, but now Alex found himself working out alone with increasing anger. He started blaming Traci for his unhappiness and for the stress her overtime at work was putting on the marriage. "If she would just come home on time, we could be happy again," he thought.

Healthier Approach: Make a commitment to being happy whether or not your spouse ever changes. After all, you can't give what you don't have inside, so if you're not happy yourself, you can't create a happy marriage. Work on changing yourself to be the kind of partner you wish you had.

Myth 3: You should always put your spouse's needs first to be a good partner.

The word "should" is often a red flag that indicates problems ahead. Who said that you "should" always put your partner's needs first? Someone who told you that you'd be considered selfish if you didn't? Someone who wanted you to feel guilty if you didn't accept their viewpoint?

In reality, it's not healthy to always put other people's needs before your own-no matter who the other person is. Doing so indicates a lack of respect for yourself, your time, your needs, and your goals.

You can value your own needs without being selfish or overbearing. Many times spouses can find a creative way to meet the needs of both of them if they spend some time brainstorming and problem solving. But that won't happen if one spouse automatically devalues her (or his) needs and goes along with whatever the partner proposes.

Traci always let Alex play golf with his friends on Saturdays while she stayed with their one-year-old daughter. Even though there were things she'd been wanting to do for months in what little free time she had, she always thought she was doing the right thing to suppress her own needs in favor of letting Alex enjoy himself.

Finally, after months of denying herself, she finally had enough. She blew up at Alex at a seemingly insignificant provocation. She accused him of being selfish in always playing golf while she stayed at home. Alex was baffled. Traci had never hinted that there was a problem.

Healthier Approach: Show respect for yourself by valuing yourself and your needs and preferences. Become more aware of when you treat your partner's needs as more important than your own. Marriage is about compromise and both people getting their needs met at least part of the time. If you don't value yourself, others won't, either.

Myth 4: Your spouse should always contribute 50% to the marriage.

It sounds good in theory, but in reality marriage hardly ever turns out to be as neatly divided as this myth implies. Over time, there should be some balance of sorts, but the effort and time expended by each partner may never be completely equal.

There are many times when one spouse or the other carries most of the load or makes most of the effort in a marriage. Perhaps one spouse works out of town during the week or is clinically depressed. A spouse may be chronically ill, in physical pain, or busy pursuing a college degree. Or one spouse may handle the majority of the child care.

In these cases, the spouse who is keeping the marriage going may be contributing 80% to the marriage while the partner weighs in at only 20%. In time, the balance may shift in other ways to even out the load more, or the partners may exchange places. Instead of trying to keep everything equal on a daily basis, look at the overview and focus on the bigger picture.

Traci felt guilty when she decided to take college classes two nights a week after work. She knew that this meant Alex had to carry a heavier load of chores, housework, and errands while she studied and attended classes. While Alex was supportive and didn't complain, Traci knew that he was giving more of himself to keep the marriage going than she was.

Five years later, Alex decided he wanted to change jobs and accept a more challenging, better-paying position that required him to travel during the week. All of a sudden, Traci found herself giving much more time and energy than Alex to keeping the marital relationship going. She remembered Alex's support of her when she was pursuing her college degree and was glad to be able to give to him in return.

Healthier Approach: Think in terms of giving a 100% effort to your marriage when needed. If both you and your spouse are each giving 100%, then you'll be in a positive place to handle the extra stress that problems and unforeseen challenges can bring.

Myth 5: Your goal is to have a peaceful marriage with as few disagreements as possible.

Over the years, I have heard many couples brag that they never fight and hardly ever argue. When this happens, I know that most likely one spouse or the other has been trying to keep accumulated anger, frustration, and resentment in an emotional "closet" with the door shut. This only works for so long and then the closet door bursts open and all the heightened emotions spill out to contaminate the marital relationship.

The goal is not to have a marriage with no arguments or disagreements. The goal is to find a way to disagree without being disagreeable or disrespectful to each other. When anger and resentments are buried in a relationship, the passion is also snuffed out in the emotional debris.

Some lukewarm marriages could benefit from more open disagreements, heated arguments, and strongly stated viewpoints and opinions. At least then the partners would be both engaged in the relationship instead of letting it silently die off.

Alex had been brought up in a family that avoided confrontations. He decided early on in his marriage to Traci that he didn't want a marriage filled with conflict and arguments. When Traci felt strongly about something, Alex would generally just go along with her to keep the peace, even if he didn't really want to.

He hesitated to rock the boat by disagreeing and almost always hid his true feelings from Traci. Their friends all remarked about how well Alex and Traci always got along, and Alex and Traci enjoyed telling others that they never argued or disagreed. The marriage was calm and peaceful, but the passion gradually faded away and left a feeling of blandness and emptiness behind.

Healthier Approach: Make a commitment to express your real opinions, needs, and preferences to your spouse. If you are afraid of your spouse's anger, schedule a counseling session to discuss your concerns with a therapist present to mediate. You may need to develop a set of "fair fighting rules" with the help of the counselor in order to feel safe in speaking up at home.

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A True Love Story

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A True Love Story
By Mimi Tanner

Here is a favorite story from a favorite book:

"There was an ordinary man once who worked for NBC and fell in love with a French girl whom me met on a trip to Europe. The girl was very beautiful, and it seemed unlikely that she would notice him, but he convinced her to come to America to live with him.

"Before she arrived, he moved to a coach house at a considerably larger rent than the bachelor apartment he'd lived in before, and he got a decorator to help him make it look more impressive.

"For a while, things seems to go well, and as he was connected with a show that went out of town regularly, he took her with him across the country. That was frowned upon by his superiors, but still he traveled with her.

"Then one day, for that reason or another, he was fired, and shortly after that, she left him, and he was all alone.

"I remember this story, because it was told to me by a much more attractive man, and one who had a job and a wife, and I remember him saying, sitting cross-legged on a velvet couch, 'I went to see him at that coach house, filled with all those paintings and antiques, and he was lying there on the bed in the dark, unshaven, cigarette butts everywhere, out of work, in debt, alone, in total despair, and all I could think of was how much I envied him, really envied him.'"

-- By Merle Shain, from her book "Some Men are More Perfect Than Others"

Why do I love that story?

Sure, you could say that this man made some very bad decisions, and that the girl was not worthy of him. All true. But why did his friend envy him??

Because it takes courage to love! Because the distraught man had not been living on autopilot - he had been living with passion. He gave his all for a woman he loved.

We all know that love does not always work out the way we want it to.

But what is the alternative? Not loving? Drying up? I hope not.

It's a fine line sometimes between being vulnerable for the sake of love, and doing something just plain stupid that hasn't got a prayer of working out.

But the experts say...it takes courage to love. To experience intimacy, you have to put yourself on the line at some point.

When someone really loves you - and has the emotional maturity to know how to love - it's safe to put yourself on the line. And heaven knows, we all need to be safe when it comes to love. But love is also about risking one's heart in order to find that precious place with the one you love.

Here's more of what Merle Shain wrote about this:

"Really splendid men have this courage and know that without it, living is only housekeeping. You can tell them because they do as much feeling as they do thinking.

"...It's terrifying to care, of course, and the young man whom I once heard say to the girl whose hand he was holding, 'Sh%t, I think I love you,' in the ominous tones of someone declaring that he was coming down with the plague, probably put the fear that accompanies loving as graphically as it can be put.

"...Men are supposed to fear loving, because they fear dependency, and truly loving always involves surrender of power. 'Some temptations are so great,' Oscar Wilde wrote, 'it takes great courage to yield to them'."

Take courage and dare to love.

For more relationship tips click here.

He Never Knew What Commit MEANT

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He Never Knew What Commit MEANT
By Stanley J Leffew

Why do men struggle with commitment?

This question about the tendency in men to find it hard to commit seems to surface over and over again from women all around the world. If I could identify in a few simple strokes of the keyboard on a page of my site the answer to this question, I would be a hero to women everywhere.

Not to worry, I haven't put on my hero tights and cape just yet. I would, however, like to share my thoughts with you on this.

Here are a few comments I have heard stated about men and commitment over the years:

* Men find the quest and the chase more desirable than actually winning the woman.
* Men find their identity in their vocation more than they do in their relationships.
* Men are on an ego trip and find their validation from the attention they receive from many women.
* Men are looking for a trophy wife.

Some of these comments may have elements of truth in them; after all, man is a complicated puzzle. But I would like to direct your attention to another possible missing piece of that puzzle.

It has been my observation over the years in my communications and dealings with men, that men struggle with commitment because they primarily have developed the wrong focus. Women want men to naturally commit of his own free will when, in reality, he has been instructed, influenced and programmed to do the opposite.

Consider what has been popularized in our culture, such as reading materials for men, and you'll see what I mean. In magazines targeting male readership, women are portrayed as a sport, as a "Bunny" paraded around in bunny costumes and as "Pets" of the month.

Adding to the fuel and feeding of this mindset are male-focused establishments named after the body parts of a woman and so-called Gentlemen's Clubs. Don't even get me started on Hollywood, shock jocks, the porn industry, the sensual music videos objectifying women and the smut circulating all over the Internet.

Within this environment, men have developed a tendency to:

* Make relationships more about turning on than tuning in.
* Chase after the nighttime more than the lifetime.
* Make relationships more about passion than promise.
* Seek relations more than relationship.
* Make the URGE more important a focus than the MERGE.

This tendency in men to chase after the physical is the reason women are the ones who often lose when the relationship is founded mostly on a sexual directive. The man gets what he is more comfortable with and programmed to seek, and the woman is left to long for deeper intimacy and commitment.

The problem usually arises when a woman chooses a man whose focus is more about the nighttime and expect him to naturally pursue the lifetime.

I think men need to be deprogrammed from this shallow mindset and reprogrammed to think and behave differently. The greatest men I know are men of character and commitment. The greatest men I know have a pursuit for something more permanent. The greatest men I know are men of promise and find value and fulfillment in seeking the lifetime more than they do the nighttime.

I just had to experience saying my last goodbyes to my father. He was 75 years old when he passed away. As I looked at the casket containing his body with my mom who stood by his side for over 55 years of marriage, I was again reminded of the lifetime part of commitment.

There were pictures of his children and his children's children decorated the satin cloth where he rested. I am so thankful that my parents modeled for me that a successful relationship is more about LEG-A-CY than about how much LEG-I-SEE.

One of the saddest commentaries that will ever be said about a man is that he never really knew what commitMEANT.

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7 Lovemaking Mistakes and How To Avoid Them

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7 Lovemaking Mistakes and How To Avoid Them
By Michael Webb

Did you know that people who try to spice up their lovemaking, often make their experiences LESS fulfilling? It’s true.

Over the years, I've seen couples make the same mistakes over and over again, when trying to improve their love lives, and I'd like to teach you how to overcome and avoid these problems.

Here are the 7 lovemaking mistakes. Are you making them?

MISTAKE #1: Feeling scared or embarrassed to talk about trying new things

Have you ever had an idea to spice up your lovemaking but were afraid of what your partner may think?

Believe it or not, in 90% of cases, your partner would LOVE to try something new, too, but they're just as uncomfortable or embarrassed about bringing it up as you are.

And you don't need to introduce whips, chains or a third person. That's nonsense! There are hundreds of ways to bring variety to your passionate play that aren't crude or dangerous and that your partner is sure to be comfortable with.

MISTAKE #2: Trying to convince the partner to make love

If your lover is tired or not in the mood for sex, trying to convince or persuade them to have sex almost NEVER works.

On the other hand, when a person is sexually aroused, their body releases the chemical 'adrenaline' into the bloodstream. This chemical is what gives you the energy to make love. So here's how to arouse them the right way. Yes, even if they're tired.

Ladies: Want to get him in the mood? Give him fellatio or manually stroke him between 9 ­ 10 in the morning. This is when his testosterone levels are highest for the day. For better results, also wear something sexy or nothing at all. He'll like that.

Lads: Deep passionate kisses are one of the biggest 'turn-ons' for women. Looking in her eyes and touching her face while kissing her can really increase arousal, too. And give some attention to her neck­­it will drive her wild. But don't rush this! Spend quality time building up her arousal with your sensual kisses.

MISTAKE #3: Neglecting foreplay to enjoy intercourse sooner

People in a relationship (especially men) tend to neglect foreplay so they can begin to enjoy intercourse sooner, but did you know that foreplay is actually said to intensify orgasms?

That's right. If you kiss, caress and touch longer, you can make your lovemaking even more satisfying.

So SLOW DOWN. Take your time. If you want to make it even better, tease your partner in a playful way. (This works like crazy.)

If you find something that they really enjoy, stop doing it, move back, and then do it again later. The more you pull back and push forward, the more they'll want it. And the more intense their experience will be. There are many games you can play to heighten this anticipation, too.

MISTAKE #4: Using toys or porn to make your lovemaking better

When sex hits a rough patch, many couples (men especially) think that a video, some plastic or vibrating thingy will instantly takes things through the roof.

Wrong!… While toys can certainly have their place in your lovemaking repertoire, relying on them can be extremely dangerous. These outside sources of pleasure can quickly make lovemaking even less fulfilling.

Why? Because you don't want your partner to end up looking forward to their plastic toy for pleasure more than they look forward to pleasure with you, do you? Couples need to first fully discover how to please all their spouses' body parts before introducing other elements. Use them as a spice, not the main course.

MISTAKE #5: Trying to make the woman orgasm ONLY from intercourse

Men often feel "unmanly" if they can't satisfy their woman from intercourse. But what they need to understand is that a large number of women can't achieve orgasm through normal lovemaking.

Just knowing this takes the pressure off men completely. Now there's no need to get upset when their women don’t reach orgasm. Instead, men should master the art of cunnilingus (going down on a woman).

MISTAKE #6: Trying to “finish” at the same time

Simultaneous orgasms are quite overrated. Instead of aiming for one orgasm that you share together, focus completely on the woman’s needs first.

Hold off from the positions you find most enjoyable and instead make love in ways that are most pleasurable for your lady, until she is completely satisfied. That way you have a much greater chance of both climaxing.

MISTAKE #7: Sticking to a “set routine” too often

You know the drill. You take your clothes off, insert part A into part B, and, within a few minutes, the routine is over. Sound familiar?

No matter how fantastic lovemaking can be, there’s no denying it can get boring over the years. And the reason is because lovemaking in its basic act is always the same. But the danger is letting it get “too routine,” which can begin to affect your relationship.

The BEST WAY to protect your love life and precious connection with your partner is to have lots of new lovemaking ideas ready at your disposal.

That's the secret.

In fact, when you have an abundance of NEW tips and techniques ready, you’ll enjoy more hot, steamy and passionate lovemaking, discover newfound enthusiasm to make love and even make love more often.

For more Marriage tips click here.

8 Steps in Order to Divorce Proof Marriage

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8 Steps in Order to Divorce Proof Marriage
By Cucan Pemo

There is no easy ways that you can make your relationship divorce proof. However, you can take your chances and trying to make it less of a bust, but you will never be able to guarantee yourself to have a divorce proof marriage. There are some things that you can do to make your marriage work better for you, but there is no guarantee that it will work out happily ever after.

1) Make your relationship and marriage stronger by always keeping the communication channels open

If you always keep your feelings open and there is always 100% honesty in the relationship, your marriage will last years. You will be able to not worry about what the other is doing because you have a basis of trust that makes the relationship seem very secure for both partners. This makes marriage years go by so easily.

2) Tell your partner when things are going bad.

You may not want to hurt the others feelings, but you have to think about your feelings sometimes. When you are in a rut, you feel depressed and horrible, but if you manage to be open, you will be able to keep your marriage going strong. When you don’t open up about your feelings that is when people start going crazy with affairs and being careless about the relationship and about the love

3) Learn how to live together.

You will know whether both of your are meant for each other if you can move in together and live together for a year or two before marriage. Those who love each other learn how to live together. They do not argue over petty things in the marriage because they have been there and done all of that. You will be able to build a strong commitment before you get married when you move in together before you two get married.

4) Make your relationship last by giving each other some affection.

Kiss your mate goodbye and kiss your mate when they walk in the door. Go to the movies hand and hand. Place your arms around your mate so that they will feel special when you are out together. Every time that you show your mate some affection, you are confirming all of the love that grows between you.

5) Bonding through doing some activities together.

Find something that you mutually like and then go do it together. You can exercise, dance, sing, go to a bar, watch a weekly show, and so on. It can be anything that you would like to. It is anything that you mutually enjoy.

6) You may find it to be odd, but you both need to have independent lives.

When couples spend too much together, they get themselves in trouble. You need to have a night out for yourself, and then you need to give your mate and night off, so you will end up having two nights where you two go out and do your own thing. You may want to spend this time on your hobbies or just going shopping or taking a bath. This is just where you spend time away from each other; it only has to be a couple hours of the night.

7) You need to also make time to be intimate with each other.

There are times when you need to spend some time away from each other and then they are times when you have to put some extra time aside to be intimate. You do not always have to have sex. You can cuddle, hug, kiss, massage each other, and so on. It can be anything that you two want that will keep the love and romance going. You can even play some games to spice it up in the bedroom.

8) Finally, you need to stay positive.

When you are honest and you take care of your relationship you are still going to find hard times. There are always ups and down in a relationship no matter how hard you work, but the thing is that people, who stick together, stay together. You will be able to keep your marriage going strong when you are able to focus on the positive.

There are so many things that you can do to make your relationship strong, however, you have to make sure that you are giving your mate the proper attention and love on a daily basis so that the hard times don’t seem so hard. You will also notice that if you can stay positive, you will have a positive relationship.

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Coping in a Sexless Marriage

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Coping in a Sexless Marriage
By Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT

Coping in a sexless marriage can be a real challenge. But, then, much of life can be a real challenge. Rather than focusing on the specific challenge, let me first invite you to think about the broad question of “how to cope with life,” and then how a woman can cope in a sexless marriage.

There are two words of encouragement I give people in this situation: “Learn how to hold your own hand,” and “If you can’t have what you want, want something else.”

In the first simple piece of advice, I offer up for you a great deal of profoundly deep wisdom.

When you are confronted with distress in your life, your ability to stay centered, to stay calm, and to be free from either guilt or anxiety… is very important.

When you are centered you have self-esteem that keeps you well no matter what the circumstances of your life. Wishful thinking? No. I’ve experienced the well-being that comes from a centered life, and I’ve witnessed the enormous goodness that can come from developing the capacity to have true self-esteem.

Most of us, most of the time, look to others for validation; most of us look for others to esteem us. Early in life we look outside of ourselves for validation of who we are - until we develop the capacity to look within, there to find the self-love that is born of Love itself.

Instead of looking outside of your own self for love, look inside to the Love that is there. That is what will set you free.

Once you have cultivated self-love, once you have learned to hold your own hand, then you will be free from efforts to control those around you in an effort to make them love you. When you stop trying to get others to validate you, because you have learned to validate and love yourself, then you are free to be in the present moment.

In the present moment, you are free from the guilt and shame of the past, and free from anxiety about the future.

In the present moment, holding your own hand, you are perfectly fine.

Right now, in this present moment, you are perfectly fine.

If you are woman in a sexless marriage (or a man) you are perfectly fine.

Right now.

If you are struggling because you want more sex, or because you wish you wanted more sex, then hold your own hand. Stop right now. Take a deep breath, and realize that Life is within you, and Life is Good.

You are Goodness.

Calm down. Face the facts. Set a plan in motion. Take action.

You are Goodness.

The more anxious you are, the more you are struggling to cope, the more disconnected you are from your own Goodness.

If your partner is not participating with you in sex, and your are having a hard time coping with the frustration, calm down and get centered. Confront your partner out of your center. Get centered and confront your partner. A confrontation out of your center will be much more powerful than a confrontation from the part of you that is frightened and insecure.

If you have determined that your partner is not going to engage you in sexual intimacy, or that you are not going to muster up enough sexual desire within your self, then you are going to have to make a huge change.

If you can’t have what you want, want something else.

That is my second piece of advice.

If you keep wanting what you can not have, you will keep yourself in perpetual frustration. In the Buddhist tradition, striving and grasping are understood to be the sources of pain.

We all cope better when we live in the present moment with Goodness, striving after nothing more.

If you can’t have what you want, want something else.

Look at all the Goodness around you, Goodness in your partner, in your self, and in your relationship, and pour your energy into building upon that Goodness.

Learn how to hold your own hand, and how to let go when you can’t have what you want.

For more marriage tips click here.

Recovering from Divorce

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Recovering from Divorce
By Bob Grant (c)

If there was one part of my job that I could do without, it is watching couples spiral down the path to divorce. While most couples I see don't end up getting a divorce, there is that small percentage who are so filled with resentment that either one, or in some instances both of them, has already decided the marriage is over.

While I firmly believe that if two people want to stay together, it really is possible to build something wonderful, there are some situations where one party has decided they have suffered too much pain. It has become a matter of protecting themselves.

I have read many books which state things like, "How to change your partner even when they don't want to be changed." I must admit, I have suggested many of these very techniques to wives and husbands whose spouse would never come to counseling.

But to tell you the truth, there are some circumstances (e.g., chronic unfaithfulness, physical abuse, etc.) that make it nearly impossible for one spouse to carry the weight of two. For those of you who have been divorced or if you know of someone who has, let me say that from my experience, what you or they felt was often more traumatic than what most people will ever experience in their lifetime.

The reason - divorce is more like a death than anything else. In many cases, it affects individuals even worse than a death, because a choice is involved and the other person is still out there living. If your spouse dies, there is a certain degree of fate. Something terrible happened beyond your control.

With divorce, a choice had to be made. Perhaps it shouldn't have ended. If only I had given him (her) another chance. Why did I wait so long? Is there something wrong with me? The questions could go on forever.

What can be done to help heal the pain of a divorce?

The first and most critical step is to allow yourself time to heal. The first few months (perhaps longer) following a divorce are not the time to try and figure out what went wrong. Trying to be your own counselor only prolongs the feeling of hopelessness. Let others help you.

There are people (e.g., family, friends, professionals, etc.), who would love to offer you support, but they need to have their offer accepted. If you isolate yourself, it becomes almost impossible for others to support you. The first six months to a year after a divorce are hard enough; don't make it worse. DON'T ISOLATE YOURSELF.

When the time for reflection does come, ask yourself this question: "Why did I attract that type of person into my life?" One of the main reasons that we select or are drawn to a specific type of individual is that subconsciously, we are attracted to someone who will expose those areas in our life that we need to work on.

They will "push our buttons," so to speak. Given enough time, those individuals that we date and/or marry will expose unresolved issues, character flaws, etc... that we need to address. I guarantee it.

Here is an example. Susan recently divorced. Her husband had a terrible temper. Not physical violence, but major yelling and screaming. When he became angry, it made her feel out of control. Susan felt that the majority of her problems were related to her former husband's temper, and she swore that she would never again marry a man with a temper.

Within two years, Susan meets and marries Jeff. Jeff never gets angry. Problem solved - right? Not so fast. There is now a different problem. Jeff does get angry; however, his response to anger is to become quiet -really quiet.

The problem for Susan is that when Jeff is quiet, this also makes her feel out of control. Not in the exact same way that her former marriage did, but eerily similar. Has she made a bad choice with Jeff? I don't think so, but she has to deal with those feelings of being out of control. The situation forces her to deal with those feelings. If she simply blames Jeff for her unhappiness, she is destined to divorce again.

The final stage of recovery is so simple yet many never realize its importance. FORGIVE YOURSELF, AND FORGIVE YOUR EX-SPOUSE. Forgive yourself for all the things you could have done and forgive your spouse for everything you wish he/she had done.

No one marries with the intention of getting a divorce. However wise or poor the choice to divorce was, it's done. Going through a divorce is rough enough. If it haunts you for the rest of your life and prevents you from ever taking a risk again, then not only will you miss out, but someone else will too.

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