Marriage Secrets

Thursday

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Lose of Sexual Desire: Biological Challenges


Photo By: dothezonk

Lose of Sexual Desire: Biological Challenges
by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood (c), Part Four of my extensive look into Why Women Lose their Sexual Desire

Aging -


A womans interest in sex, as I have had it reported to me, does tend to decline over time. But, there are some women for whom the change is slight. And, of course, it all depends on how much interest a woman had in sex to begin with! Some women are more hyper about sex, while others are more hypo. You could say the same about women and exercise, eating, working out of the home, spending money, or a whole host of issues. Women are not all the same. Startling news, isnt it? Yet the biological fact remains: blood levels of androgens fall continuously in women as they age.

Low testosterone
-

Testosterone affects sexual drive in both men and women. Testosterone levels peak in women's mid-20s and then steadily decline until menopause, when they drop dramatically. Without testosterone, you have no sex drive. That is biology.

Although no hormone or drug has been approved by the FDA to treat sexual problems in women, many gynecologists recommend off-label uses of testosterone therapy for women with low sexual desire to restore testosterone to normal (pre-menopausal) levels. There are other articles in the MEMBERS ONLY SECTION of my website that provide current information about the new medications that are being developed for womens sexual desire.

Medical problems
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Mental illnesses such as depression, or medical conditions, such as endometriosis, fibroids, and thyroid disorders, impact a woman's sexual drive both mentally and physically. Face the facts on this: You cant have a flat tire without having it affect the way your car handles. And, if you are, for example, depressed, you dont feel much like doing your partner.

Some medical problems do require surgery, but know that any surgery performed anywhere around a womans plumbing can adversely affect sexual desire. As I have done my research, this has been one of the amazing discoveries. When surgery is done, nerves and muscles are severed, blood arteries and vessels can be damaged, and all of that can eventually result in a lack of sexual desire. Surgical help may not be sex help.

Medications -

Antihistamines can lower ones sex drive. Yes, those very common over the counter medications. Certain antidepressants (including the new generation of SSRIs such as Prozac, and all its siblings and cousins), blood pressure lowering drugs, and oral contraceptives can lower sexual desire. You absolutely must, MUST, go online and check the side effects of the medications you are taking. A lack of sexual desire due to depression can be enormously complicated by the antidepressants you take. You want help for your sex life when you are on antidepressants? Oh, boy. There is a problem. Check the side effects!

Medications can be changed. There are non-medication remedies for a lot of ordinary illnesses and if you are willing to take the time to do some research, you might well find yourself to be among the fortunate. For example, I know a number of women who have used progesterone cream to manage menopause, and not estrogen replacement therapy. The cream can be purchased at a health food store.

Research has indicated that hope, or the placebo effect, accounts for a significant amount of change when it comes to medications. What you expect, is what you get. In psychotherapy, hope accounts for about 15% of the progress that is made. Medications have to be tested against a plain old sugar pill to see how much actual impact the medications have.

It also helps explain why many supplements claim to be effective in treating sexual problems, such as low sexual desire. Because expectations play such a large role in sexual desire, over-the-counter products may claim that they're effective, but it's likely just a placebo effect. Thats the kind of dumb comment you can get from a medical doctor, implying that if you get positive results from the placebo effect there is something wrong.

Click here for more Marriage tips.

Dont's If You Want Another Chance


Photo By: James Zou

Dont's If You Want Another Chance
By Mark Webb (c)

As a therapist, I regularly counsel men and women who are suffering from a broken heart. They tearfully plead their sincerity. Unfortunately, their fear often takes the lead of their focus and they switch to merely trying to figure out the formula or right combination to get their partners to take them back again. They would rather get their own way versus doing the right thing. Be mature. Be consistent. Follow this advice.

Don't Rally the Troops. This means don't go around and talk with all of your partner's friends, family, co-workers and worst of all, your religious leader. Men are especially prone to do this. Its a form of emotional manipulation based on guilt and shame and tends to only push your partner further away.

Don't Fish For Reassurance. This no-no is a search for a ray of hope from the words like "I love you too." Don't bait your partner with the proclamation "I love you." This forces them to respond with "I love you too" which they don't want to say. Or they may not give any response, which really hurts.

Don't Repeatedly Ask Your Partner To Come Back To You. Each time you ask, you are usually setting your chances back another week.

Don't Call. And also don't drive by their house or show up at their work. Exercise a lot of restraint. This is very hard, but it is crucial.

Don't Try To Figure This Out By Yourself. Get a therapist or an equivalent to help you process your feelings and to develop the best approach. Telling everyone the business of your relationship will only undermine your goal and most likely make you look stupid.

Don't Try To Be A Detective. Snooping around is a violation of their personal space. Don't go through their dressers, their email, or their car. Just because they aren't feeling close to you doesn't mean that there is someone else.

Don't Send Your Best Friend As Your Ambassador. This approach works better than you going to do the detective work, but you have to consider that you are only trying to gain leverage versus respecting their need for space and time.

Don't Try To Make Them Jealous. If you do this, you are playing games and not seriously making an effort to hear or respect the needs of your partner. You're also playing with other people's emotions.

Don't Talk Bad About Your Partner. Saying negative things about your partner or trying to get people to side with you by telling your partner's faults or private matters is unforgivable. Using your intimate knowledge of your partner as ammunition is a low blow.

Don't Display Temper Tantrums. A lot of people use aggression to get their way; but this reinforces your partner's notion of why they left in the first place.

Don't Use Children As Pawns. Children are effective tools to play with your partner's heart. However, this does damage to the children, and your partner will grow to hate you. Stop trying to get your way at all costs and begin doing the right thing.

Don't Be Inconsistent. As much as possible, say or do what you mean so you dont say or do something different every time.

For more Marriage tips click here.

Wednesday

Difference in Sexual Strategies


Photo By: One Show

Difference in Sexual Strategies

By Elena Solomon (c)

Have you ever thought WHY mens and womens sexual strategies are so different?

- Why men want sex and women want love?
- Why there are NO books teaching women how to get one-night stands?
- Why women complain about men not loving them enough - but refusing to make love?

If youve ever been frustrated with the opposite gender, I feel for you. Ive been there, too. In fact, for nearly two decades of my life I was completely clueless on what was going on between men and women - with disastrous results.

Then I decided Id had enough and I wanted to learn what the other gender was REALLY looking for and HOW one could master that. In short, I wanted to know what makes men and women tick.

This is what I learned and what every man and woman must know.

Our sexual strategies are deeply imprinted in our SUBCONSCIOUS.
We cannot CHANGE what is there.
We cannot CHOOSE whom we feel attracted to.
We just FEEL it.

Why?

Because, from Mother Natures point of view, the purpose of life is LIFE itself. Its procreation. In other words, to keep the human race thriving, men and women should have sex and have children.

To make men and women have sex Mother Nature created a mechanism, which drives males and females towards one another. This mechanism is what we routinely call LOVE, or attraction.

Attraction is actually a cocktail of certain hormones generated in our bodies in the presence of someone who appears to be good genes - in other words, a person of the opposite gender who seems to have the capacity of producing a healthy offspring that will survive.

Those hormones make us feel euphoric and excited, and we feel an enormous urge to get in close contact with the person we are attracted to.

This is really what love is all about.
Its just the means of making us have sex with each other and make babies.

All those poems about the wonders of love are written about the condition of a human being under the influence of a powerful mix of natural drugs.

And yes, it hits high!
Anyone whos been in love can confirm that.

The thing you must understand is that this process is COMPLETELY UNCONTROLLABLE.

We cannot CHOOSE who we fall in love with.

This is because the purpose of procreation is so important that Mother Nature cannot rely on our recently developed intellectual capacities to make the right choice. Instead, it uses the wisdom of generations BEFORE us to make the choice FOR us. The mechanism of sexual attraction is firmly imprinted in our GENETIC MEMORY.

We are attracted to certain patterns of behavior and physical characteristics. When we come across those patterns in real life, we feel attraction to this person - and we cannot help it.

With all advances in modern science and birth control, we still have the same biological hardware as our pre-historical ancestors. Scientists say that we have the same bodies as our forebears some 50,000 years ago.

It means that when you fall in love (or lust), you do it the same way as cavemen and cavewomen did. You simply FEEL it. You cannot CONVINCE yourself to fall in love you either feel it, or not.

So, why men and women use such different sexual strategies?
Why men want sex and women want love?
Because men and women ARE different.

Not better or worse, but different.

A man can produce a child every time he has sex, and a woman can only produce a child only every second year or so.

So for a man, there are no adverse consequences for having sex with as many women as he wants - the more children he produces, the higher his chance to procreate.

For a woman, its different. She needs to be selective to secure the best genes for her child. If she makes a wrong choice and falls pregnant from a man with bad genes, her offspring may not survive into adulthood. And she can only produce about 10 children during her lifetime.

This is why mens and womens sexual strategies are so different.

Men seek quantity; women seek quality.
Men seek abundance of sex, women - abundance of admirers.

This is absolutely NATURAL.

This is the reason why you are here today and alive because your ancestors, men and women, acted true to their natural aspirations. Millions of dead ends of your species vanished into oblivion and every single one of YOUR ancestors managed to find a sexual partner and produce an offspring that survived into adulthood.

- If your female ancestors werent picky, you wouldnt be here today.
- If your male ancestors werent trying to get laid at every opportunity, you might as well never be born.

STOP wining about the tricks of the opposite gender.

The battle of the sexes is the battle for the survival of HUMANITY.

We are made this way.
Accept it.

And learn to use it to your advantage!

For more Relationship tips click here.

Tuesday

Dealing with Difficult In-Laws and Making them Listen


Photo By: merfam

Dealing with Difficult In-Laws and Making them Listen
By Cucan Pemo (c)

I've known one friend whom I feel is one of the lucky ones her in-laws have been great. Her mother-in-law has been a wonderful new friend in her life, but she has admitted to me that it wasn't always easy the first time this way.

In the beginning of her relationship with her boyfriend, she wasn't sure if she could marry him. His parents and herself just didn't get along. They were critical of her job, her life choices, and nearly everything else that she talked about when they were together.

And while her boyfriend tried to help her get along with the parents, it just wasn't working. So, she decided that she needed to be the one to get things started. Here's what she did to make sure she could marry her boyfriend and his family.

1.) Recognize the Problems

The first thing she had to do was to sort out what the problems were, so she started keeping a journal of the disagreements that they had and tried to see if there were any patterns in the problems.

Then she found out that her job and her ability to support herself was a big problem for them. They didn't want their son to be the one who was supporting the both of them so she needed to do her fair share too, in their opinion.

I shared with her some strategies that I would use, and she began to write out the ways that she did contribute to the relationship, down to the last penny.

This helped her to see that they did have valid concerns, but when she talked to her future husband, he said that things felt fair to him, even if the numbers were not exactly split down the middle for bills.

2.) Talk It Out

With this knowledge in hand, my friend had to confront the in-laws the next time that they got into the argument and, of course, they did. This time, however, my friend had facts to back herself up. She had did her "homework" in advance.

She showed them the finances as well as her own contributions, plus she pointed out that since she was still getting her degree, she had potential to make even more income in the future.

Realizing that she had taken the time and sincerity to point out the issue, her in-laws began to be a little more comfortable with her role in their son's life.

And her would-be husband also stuck up for her and told them that he felt things were fine the way they were. She also acknowledged her in-laws' concerns and admitted that she didn't pay exactly her share, which helped them feel validated in their concerns and they felt a lot less defensive and more receptive to her feelings.

3.) Stay True to Yourself

As you can see, my friend also had to find out what made her happy in this discussion. She could have admitted that she was wrong and then taken on another job to start making up the different in the financial contributions, but then during that period she was in school for an advanced degree and her schoolwork would have suffered.

If you are in similar circumstance, I suggest you stay true to yourself and to your personal goals because just giving in could have started a chain reaction of demands from your in-laws. It's a matter of boundaries. You need to realize just how far you're willing to go, but then you can't go an inch further than that.

4.) Be an Active Part of the Family

Realize also that you need to stop avoiding the family and start learning more about them. By attending the family functions as your schedule allowed, you would begin to feel more like a part of the family, rather than the perpetual outsider.

This allowed you to continue the conversations you had with your in-laws and you would begin to realize where they were coming from as well. You might even find that as you get to know each other you would even begin to like each other.

5.) Making Them Listen to You

By being honest and being open about what your relationship means to you and to your partner, you will begin to command the respect of your in-laws.

You need to stay firm on things that you won't do. For example, if your in-laws keep asking about children and you don't want any, be firm and clear about the fact that you're not planning on having children. And then hold your ground.

Once they realize that your words are firm and your intentions set, they will begin to recognize this about the rest of your ideas and actions too. Once you waver or you give in to their demands - that's when you're going to find that they have even more 'ideas' for you.

Truthfully, some in-laws are never going to be helpful or friendly, but by following this advice, at least everyone will know the parameters of the relationship.

Click here for more Marriage tips.

Thursday

5 Proposal Mistakes May Leave Women Disappointed


Photo By: Ken Kuhl

5 Proposal Mistakes May Leave Women Disappointed
By Michael Webb

Did you know that a man once hospitalized his girlfriend trying to propose to her?

Its true! He slipped the engagement ring into her shot glass and as they toasted to his speech, she swallowed it! Now, she survived, but they did need a trip to the emergency room.

In fact, it's embarrassing yet funny proposals like these that remind me of the 5 ways that guys totally DESTROY this precious moment for women by making horrendous mistakes. Please dont make these mistakesĶ

1. CREATING A PUBLIC SPECTACLE

Whether it's a party, family get-together or Yankee game, realize that you should never propose to your beloved if she wouldn't feel comfortable with a public proposal. Not only may it embarrass her, but she may feel pressured to say "Yes," only to tell
you the truth later. Bottom line, think about what sort of person your lady is: Is she shy, cautious or a little reserved? Then maybe a private proposal is the better way to go.

2. "OVER-DOING" THE PROPOSAL

Some men's idea of an amazing proposal is slapping together all the usual romantic things into one big event and calling it a "marriage proposal." Sadly, this couldn't be further from the truth. For example: A man serves the candlelit dinner, presents her flowers, chocolates, a teddy bear and then proposes to her.

Yuck. I'm sorry, but if you believe your lady deserves the most magnificent experience of her life, then understand that normal "everyday romance" is only good forĶ everyday romance! not a proposal. Shell never admit it, but she'll most likely be disappointed.

3. BEING UNPREPARED

You usually only get one shot at your proposal so you MUST get it right! No pressure :D. Always rehearse through the things that could go wrong, create backup plans and please make sure your proposal idea is safe! If youre creating a more elaborate proposal, youll need extra caution. Physically rehearse through the situations, discover what could go wrong and work out solutions around them. Get your friends together and brainstorm the sticky situations that could come up on the day. Of course, life is unpredictable and things may change but be prepared the best you can.

4. SPENDING TOO MUCH MONEY

Hang on! Youre probably wondering, How is spending TOO MUCH money on a proposal a problem? Well it all depends. The problem with money is that it often becomes a substitute for creativity. As a result, you get a "nice" memorable proposal but nothing that's jaw-dropping!

5. USING A "DONE TO DEATH" PROPOSAL IDEA

Now heres the biggest mistake of them all. Yes, coming up with creative and original ideas to propose is tough, but it's a must if you want your moment to be remembered and talked about for years to come!

Your proposal needs to be personalized to your girlfriend. What are her favorite hobbies, music and interests? These are the starting points to an incredible proposal that everyone will talk about for years.

While the Eiffel tower, hot air balloons and getting the waiter to bring out the ring on a platter are "okay" ideas, theyre not creative and original enough for the most important and memorable moment of both your lives.

For more Marriage tips click here.

Tuesday

Overcoming Loneliness, Separation and Misunderstanding


Photo By: AaronMSB

Overcoming Loneliness, Separation and Misunderstanding
by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

How to get from I to we? How to dissolve the invisible wall of loneliness, separation and misunderstanding most of us surround ourselves with and become available to the relationships we crave so much?

To begin, we must understand what it is that drives us within and will cause trouble and symptoms of all kinds, if it is not listened to and and fulfilled. There are 3 fundamental needs that all human beings have and that they will do anything to fulfill. The first need is for love, the second need is for more love and the third need is for even more love than that. We are all born with very hungry hearts. When we listen to our endless wishes, dreams, plans, symptoms, and complaints, if we open our heart to what is underneath them, we can easily realized that all of our assorted cravings boil down to one need only - the need to be known and accepted for who we are. The need to be acknowledged all a form of the need for love. Is this an impossible dream? No. There are specific steps we can take to make this a reality in our lives and the lives of others. (This particular journey cant be taken alone. As you perceive others, you will also perceive yourself-as you treat others, the same treatment will be returned to you).

In order to embark upon these new steps in our lives, first we must develop three aspects of our being that may be dormant in us right now. These three aspects area Awareness, Authenticity, and Courage. Living from these qualities will bring a new sense of spirit into our lives. Einstein said you can't get out of a problem by using the same thinking that got you into it. In the same way, we cant get out of a rut, or an emotional habit pattern, by using the same kind of behavior we had in the past. Awareness, helps us wake up to how and who we are right now. Instead of blocking out, rationalizing, or hiding from what we are doing, Awareness practice, helps us open our eyes. We take a look, we listen. This can also be called assuming responsibility, or growing up.

Awareness is simple, but not easy. It asks us to become aware of what we are doing, moment by moment, taking note of what we are feeling, sensing and thinking. It does not ask us to judge or change ourselves, but simply to become aware. The moment judgment, criticism and upset come in, oddly enough awareness is blocked. Just awareness itself is a great, powerful teacher, like turning the light on in a dark room. By becoming aware of something, over and over, that thing, by itself, begins to change. Awareness is a way of making friends with ourselves. This is crucial for us to do and something most of us have avoided our whole life long.

The first step in getting from I to We, in forming long lasting, satisfying relationships, is developing intimacy with who we are right now - making our own acquaintance. As we embark upon the exquisite journey of discovering and accepting ourselves, our ability to do this with another develops. Without knowing and accepting who we are, and how we change, moment by moment, how can we ever know or truly accept someone else?

Authenticity - Taking The Mask Off

In order to dissolve the invisible wall of loneliness that surrounds us, and keeps us separate even from those we care for the most, there are three vital steps we must learn how to practice. The first step we dealt with in the last issue was Awareness. The second step, which we will look at this time, is Authenticity. Authenticity can also be thought of as sincerity, simplicity, or just "being who you are".

When we have relationship problems, or are feeling lonely,we try to spice things up by presenting a wonderful image of ourselves, making promises, trying to be better, or give more. It's always a question of do - do - do. We feel we must work hard to earn love and keep the relationship flowing. But before we arrive at true action that builds real connection, there is a crucial step that must be taken. We must first be real ourselves, be authentic - true to ourselves and to the other. We must, one way or another, take off the masks that hide our true face.Actually, it is the mask itself that keeps us separate and lonely hiding behind a false self.

A wonderful quote about this was written by the great teacher Lao Tse. He said, "Give up, sirs, your proud airs, your wishes, mannerisms and extravagant claims. They don't do you any good, sir! That's all I have to tell you."

There is no deeper gift you can give another than who you truly are. In fact, this wonderful present helps the other to be who they are as well. When we stop struggling and pushing to be loved, wanted and approved of, and start the process of being who we are, of knowing and accepting ourselves moment by moment, we start the amazing process of building true bridges between ourselves and all of life.

Our entire life consists of building bridges. Each person we meet is another bridge, another link, a new way to deep the love and understanding we can become capable of. Yet, so few of us know how to do this. In a sense we are all like longing for the light while we keep our petals closed. There is plenty of sun and light available, but if we are closed we cannot let it in. If we are hidden behind false masks, fronts, games and images, we cannot reach out to touch or be touched.

In order to become authentic we must look closely at the roles we play,the identities we cherish so much. These roles, dreams and images are often exactly that which keep us secure in our loneliness. Roles can be hypnotic. We can fall in love with a role or fantasy of who we are or who the other is. This never lasts long though, and it can come as
quite a shock to us when the person drops this role and we are face to with someone different - or face to face with ourselves.

Exercise: Take a few minutes and look at this carefully. Look for a moment at what being "authentic" means to you. Write it down. Write down when you allow yourself to do it, and how you feel then. Also, take some time to look at the roles you use to hide in. See if, little by little, you can let them go, and allow yourself to respond naturally to the person you are with and what the moments presents to you, ever fresh, ever new.

For more Relationship advice click here.